Let’s Get Very Merry and Rank Christmas Candy from Naughty to Nice
Christmas candy comes in all shapes, sizes, and flavors. Some are amazing, some are not fit for human consumption. Let's count down Christmas candies from heinous to famous so you'll know which candy to buy for the kids and which to save for your office Dirty Santa Party...
'Old Fashioned' Christmas Candy
When I was a kid, we found an old Air Raid Shelter at my Dad's church. In it was a box of government issued "candies" that was roughly 35 years old. One kid dared me to eat a piece of the fallout candy and I was like, "I'm down." I ate it, and you know what?
STILL BETTER THAN 'OLD FASHIONED' CHRISTMAS CANDY.
This stuff is the worst. It has the texture of broken glass and tastes the way Old Folks Homes smell.
And why is this stuff still being sold? Like, rotary phones are 'old fashioned,' but we've moved on to better things, people. FAR BETTER THINGS.
'Old Fashioned' Christmas Candy is an affront to all five of the senses and should be avoided at all costs. Unless you have to buy a gift for someone you really despise--in which case, play on, playa.
Christmas Candy Corn
Why? Why is this even a thing? Christmas Candy Cane Corn is an abomination that tastes of chalk, corn syrup, and unfathomable sadness. What idiot was like, "Hey, let's throw in some peppermint oil and dye these babies red and green and get rrrrriiiiiiccccch?"
To see Candy Christmas Cane Corn (or whatever it's called) in your stocking is to take a punch to the gut. It's like Santa is mocking you. You wanted a Super Nintendo, and you got this instead.
Christmas Corn Candy Cane is the Krampus of candies.
I hate these so much. SO MUCH. Queen Anne Cherry Cordials are disgusting. It's pretty much a little chocolate truffle filled with a cherry and corn syrup and reindeer vomit. I somehow end up with a box of these every year, too--everyone in my family just LOVES 'em. Scarfs them down. I can't even bite into one without dying inside.
I always got a chocolate orange in my stocking at Christmas, and I always traded it for something else. They may not have been my jam, but at least they were useful. I can respect that.
Candy Canes are ubiquitous with the Christmas season. They're great for decorating and are a lovely addition to any Christmas tree.
As a food? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
They're not terrible, but they're not amazing. How many people do you know (besides Buddy the Elf) that are just all, "OH BOY, CANDY CANES! I CAN'T WAIT TO EAT ONE OF THOSE!"
None. Case and point.
Candy canes can also get you in trouble as a child, especially if you suck them down to a fine point and then use said point to jab one of your siblings. Not that I did that or anything...
Gianormous Hershey Kiss
This bad boy is all chocolate, and that is rad. You see one of these under the tree as a kid, and you're all "Score!"
And then you have to figure out how to eat it. You have to ask your mom to cut pieces off for you, and then she cuts you off because you've had too much sugar, and the next thing you know you're hiding in the utility room and eating what's left of your Hershey Kiss like a straight up savage.
For what it's worth: not an unpleasant experience. Sure, you may end up with a wicked stomach ache, but who cares? IT'S CHRISTMAS.
Awww yeah. We're getting to the really good stuff now. If your parents were like mine, they'd put these out in a festive dish and then smack your hand every time you tried to eat an M&M. THEN WHY DID YOU BUY THEM, MOM, DANG. Did they really think a single bag of one of the most precious seasonal treats would last until December 26? Puh-lease.
Reese's Peanut Butter Trees
This is a Christmas tree.
But you can eat it.
And it tastes like peanut butter and chocolate.
Do I need to say anything else?
Brach's Peppermint Nougats
I am going to catch a lot of flack for this, but I DO NOT CARE.
These things are delicious. They're like little peppermint clouds that melt in your mouth and sing carols and make you feel like a better person.
Maybe I'm biased because my PawPaw would always give them to me at Christmas, but whatever.
PEPPERMINT NOUGATS 4 LIFE.
Ghirardelli Peppermint Bark
This stuff is just the best. Can I buy it in truckloads? I hoard these little squares of heaven all December. They do not last past January 15, but again, whatever.
I love Ghirardelli Peppermint Bark SO MUCH that if it was literally the only thing I received for Christmas, I would be 100% down with that.
Ghirardelli Peppermint Bark is the reason for the candy season. It's the #1 Ultimate Christmas Treat, the Crimson Tide of Candies.