You Could Totally Ruin Halloween with the Ten Worst Candies for Trick-or-Treating [PHOTOS]
Halloween will be here before you know it. Soon droves of costumed kids will come knocking on your door, arms outstretched, eyes widened, and little smiles beaming as they shout "Trick-or-Treat!" Halloween is like magic to these sweet, innocent children, and their fate lies in your hands. Are you going to crush their tiny hopes and dreams? You'd better check your candy stash, because what you're handing out could totally ruin Halloween.
I'd say all candy is good candy, but that's a straight-up LIE. Some candy is just plain NASTY, and I'm here to set the record straight. You want to be the cool parents who hand out awesome candy, right? We've covered the good stuff, and now it's time to get down and dirty. I don't know how these terrible "treats" get handed out every year, but it's time we SHUT IT DOWN. You want to be the Cool Mom? Want to be the Cool Dad? Then never, ever, EVER hand out the totally gross items below.
Ladies & Dudes, I now present the Ten Worst Candies for Trick-or-Treating. Prepare thyselves!
What are these supposed to be? I mean, really, because they sure as heck don't taste like a treat. I'm not opposed to licorice; it's not really my jam--but I ain't touching this BOX OF LIES. Nothing in here is 'Good,' and you get like seven of these weirdly colored confections, so the whole 'Plenty' thing is a crock, too.
If I wanted to eat a box of moth balls, I'd just call the Poison Control Center and then eat a box of moth balls. Whoppers are disgusting. They have a strange texture and are coated in a sad, waxy film of chocolate. Can someone please explain the appeal of 'malted' milk to me? Like, when milk goes bad, you THROW IT OUT. That's what malted milk tastes like: old milk. It's milk that's been in the back of the fridge so long that it's half cheese and half noxious liquid--it's so bad you'd start hallucinating if you drank it. WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT A CANDY THAT TASTES LIKE ROTTEN MILK? How is that fun?
Kiddie Meg would have been PSYCHED to score Pixy Stix, but Adult Meg is like, SHUT THAT MESS DOWN. Pixy Stix are the crack of the candy world; they'll have your kids straight jacked in seconds. The last thing I need is for my kid to be even MORE hyper on Halloween. If she gets any Pixy Stix, they're going straight down the drain. JUST SAY NO. Also, it really irritates me that the company spells it "PIXY" when it "Pixie" is much more aesthetically pleasing. GET IT TOGETHER, WONKA.
Handing out apples, oranges, raisins, or Whole Foods Organic Free Range Locally Sourced Fruit Leather is basically giving the kids in your neighborhood the middle finger. You might as well just put a huge sign on your doorstep that reads NO FUN ZONE. Halloween is the one time kids get to consume junk in excess, so don't be Buzz Killington and hand out tempeh balls and quinoa bark. Give the kids some candy. Dang.
Hard candies are the worst. You're prepping for Trick-or-Treaters, not buying sweets to sit in a Waterford Crystal dish at MeeMaw's house. Granted, I love me some Werther's Originals, but I am also old. Get the kids what they want, people.
HA HA HA HA HA WHAT EVEN ARE THESE THINGS? They're supposed to be 'candy wafers,' but I don't even know what that is. Are 'candy wafers' supposed to taste like chalk and sadtimes? If so, Necco Wafers are on point.
Sixlets are like the dollar store bargain bin version of M&M's, except they are round. And 45% candy shell. And the chocolate inside is squishy and nasty.
If I were trapped on a deserted island and had to eat Sixlets to survive, I would just let myself die. These things are terrible.
WHY DO PEOPLE STILL HAND THESE OUT? Why are these things even SOLD? They're older than dirt and, heck, they taste like dirt. I think they're supposed to be peanut butter flavored, but I don't really know. I've never been able to eat a whole one. Mary Janes are terrible, and they taste like The Great Depression.
There's always that one dentist in the neighborhood who hands out toothbrushes. WE GET IT, dude. Oral hygiene is important, but so is having fun on Halloween. I'd rank this as THE WORST, but at least you can use the toothbrush. It's not ALL bad.
DISGUSTING. First of all, it doesn't even LOOK like corn, so why is it called candy CORN? My guess is that the moniker was earned from the ingredients list which is like high fructose corn syrup, corn syrup, corn starch, the tears of a thousand disappointed children, and low fructose corn syrup. Or whatever. Candy corn is nasty. It has the oddest texture--a mixture between rubber and chalk, and it tastes like nothing. It's not even that sweet. Plus it's not individually wrapped, so it's just stored in one bowl where all the kids stick their sticky, germy hands until it's nothing but candy corn and butt germs. NO THANK YOU. Candy corn is nightmare fuel, and the #1 sure-fire way to ruin my Halloween.